THE FIRST SIX WEEKS

Here are a few thoughts that came to mind as Donald Trump stormed onto the presidential scene. We’re not even two months in.

February 10

Donald Trump is showing no signs that he is bothered by the growing list of Super Bowl stars who have announced that they will not be attending the traditional congratulatory visit to the White House. Nor does he appear to mind similar planned boycotts of the upcoming White House Correspondents Dinner by many celebrities. Trump tweeted that he has his own list of stars who will “make everyone forget about all those other losers”. However when pressed, he did appear visibly annoyed that he has not yet heard back from Frederick Douglas, who apparently was sent a special invitation.

February 11

Elizabeth Warren’s return to the senate floor was cut short today when majority leader Mitch McConnell invoked an obscure law barring women from speaking in public without their husband’s written consent. McConnell, who was on the committee that ratified the law back in 1769, was the only senator who remembered that the law even existed.

But in a stunning reversal, Warren took advantage of an even older law that was written by someone named God, whose design of human anatomy hung the male testicles right out there in the open within easy striking distance of the female foot. While this drew thunderous applause from the democratic senators, it was not quite as effective as hoped because, unbeknownst to Warren, McConnell’s testicles had actually shriveled up and fallen off back in 1875.

February 13

From day one the Trump White House has taken extraordinary measures to avoid even the slightest appearance of conflicts of interest concerning the wealthiest president in American history. Today their legal team took another proactive step by organizing a day long counseling session to educate the entire cabinet and staff on ethical laws and policies. Journalists are covering the scene outside the packed conference room where they are set to begin just as soon as Kellyanne Conway finishes up with her Amway presentation.

February 14

A big weekend for U.S. — Japanese relations was capped off as President Trump creamed Prime Minister Shinzo Abe on the golf course at Mar-a-Lago, Trump’s private club at Palm Beach, Florida. Abe, whose right hand has been splinted with heavy gauze and an ace bandage since Friday’s press conference, had a difficult time gripping the clubs. “He fell for the oldest trick in the book”, boasted Trump, “no one ever beats me in golf if they let me shake their hand first. He’s finding out I’m no Obama. No more Mr. nice guy.”

Doctors say Abe’s injury will not require surgery, however he will undergo a routine outpatient procedure which is needed to roll his eyes out from the back of his head.

February 15

White House officials, still reeling from the resignation of national security adviser Michael Flynn, got more bad news today when Trump’s senior white house adviser on foreign sanctions, Vladimir Putin, announced that he will also be stepping down. Press secretary Sean Spicer blamed an outdated constitutional provision that prohibits leaders of hostile foreign governments from holding high level white house positions, and vowed that a new executive order is in the works to reverse this “ridiculous policy”.

February 16

In a show of Canadian military strength, Prime Minister Justin Trudeau emerged from Monday’s meeting with Donald Trump without a major injury to his right hand. Intelligence briefings gave the Canadian leader full knowledge of Trump’s intentions, and allowed him to counter the advances with a headlock and bare-knuckled noogie to the skull. The dramatic effect was dampened, however, during the five awkward minutes it took for secret service agents to untangle Trudeau’s hand from Trump’s hair.

February 20

Outspoken vegan and health fanatic Chris Christie finally achieved his goal of securing a position in the Trump White House when he was named the head of the newly formed Council for Health and Wellness. The New Jersey Governor had been previously passed over for several coveted positions, but never expressed any bitterness, insisting he was eager to return to his home state and resume the important work of orchestrating crippling traffic tie ups on Pennsylvania Avenue.

When Trump was asked what made him finally decide to make Christie part of the White House team, he said simply, “He passed the meatloaf test. If I can get a tree-hugger like Christie to eat meat loaf, I know he will do anything I tell him to do”.

February 22

Donald Trump has come under fire for his plan to defund many important women’s health services provided by Planned Parenthood. In an attempt to show that he is still sensitive to the health care needs of all Americans, he reiterated today that his replacement for Obamacare will continue to cover the life saving medication viagra. This resulted in a surge of republican voter registrations, validating the oldest political rule in the book: “nothing buys votes like boner pills”.

However, many small business owners who are struggling to cover their employees expressed renewed concern over the cost of these types of medications. This prompted Bernie Sanders to point out that if we went to a single payer system, business owners would not have to provide insurance for anybody.

Ted Cruz then jumped into the fray, stating that a single payer system would result in rationing because it would limit the amount of viagra that is covered. Things got ugly when Sanders countered that the quality of American health care would not suffer if a wealthy politician like Cruz would occasionally have to pay for one of his own erections.

When reporters pressed Mitch McConnell for his opinion, the senate majority leader shot back that the whole debate is ridiculous because, in his experience, viagra doesn’t even cause erections.

February 27

Here is a recap of this season of Celebrity Presidential Apprentice:

Campaign manager Corey Lewandowski earned the coveted title of first loser to be sent packing back in June for a series of blunders including grabbing the arm of a female reporter, evidently forgetting Trump’s well known hostility towards men who try to grab women.

Acting Attorney General Sally Yates became the next casualty of the board room when she was fired for refusing to eat the meat loaf that Trump ordered her.

National Security Adviser Michael Flynn was next. According to the president’s counselor Kellyanne Conway, he didn’t actually get fired because he “still had the full confidence of the president”, but instead had voluntarily taken another job down the hall at the Office of International Relations where his new boss, Vladimir Putin, offered him five bucks more an hour.

And speaking of Kellyanne Conway, has anyone seen her lately? Rumors spread that she was about to be fired for her above statements, but it turns out she was just sent to her room for two weeks.

And what’s in store for the final episode? Sources close to the show have leaked rumors that Trump plans to set a new standard for mass firings when he lets go five hundred construction workers who built his Manhattan skyscrapers, to make room for real American workers who are breaking down the door for the chance to work for seven bucks a hour.

March 2

Trump’s speech to congress Tuesday night included a bold new plan for “merit based” immigration, which included a pledge to deport not only criminals, but all undocumented workers who did not pay at least as much in federal taxes as Trump himself. Aides after the speech admitted that Trump was rethinking this provision when he found out that the number of these workers was actually zero.

After obvious careful reflection, Trump later tweeted that he was altering his new policy to include deportation of all workers who are not able to present their federal income tax returns. Apparently, secret service agents who had been dispatched with orders to confiscate Trump’s cell phone had not made it in time, and later claimed that they were sidetracked by having to prevent Sean Spicer from flinging himself out a third story window.

March 4

Decorated war veteran Donald Trump made presidential history in his address to congress last Tuesday when he went just over an hour without sounding like an unfiltered ten year old, earning praise from both sides of the isle. He took advantage of the moment, using his own life example to call on all Americans without bone spurs or wealthy fathers to join in the defense of our country, and for everyone who hasn’t gotten out of paying federal income tax to contribute a little more for his promised 54 billion dollar increase in military spending.

March 6

Search and rescue teams have finally found Kellyann Conway alive and safe in a sixth floor apartment in Trump Tower. This good news comes after weeks of dead end leads. The mission had actually been called off last week, but restarted at the urging of late night talk show hosts who were desperate for new material.

The tip that broke the search wide open came from alert private citizen Barack Obama. Reporters caught up with the former President in his backyard where he was piloting one of the drones he kept from his days in the White House. When pressed on how he could possibly have known Conway’s whereabouts, he insisted it was “just a hunch”.

As an added bonus, rescue teams also found newly confirmed Energy Secretary Rick Perry, who had forgotten that his new office is in Washington DC.